Tag: kids

4 poster bed

On our recent “mini break”, which is a bit of a misnomer as any trip with the kids doesn’t give us a break from anything. The only thing that changes is the scenery.

But fair play the wife did find a good deal on Groupon for a farm B and B with loads of animals for the kids.

Well, it was a farm except you had to drive through an industrial estate to get to it. And the animals had appeared to have gone on holiday. But at least the rooms were lovely. We booked two rooms, an adult room and one for the kids.

The adult room was great. Huge, massive en-suite with one of those trendy baths on legs in the middle of the room.

As we entered the room The Wife gave an excited yelp

“a four poster bed!”

Obviously I was getting a little ahead of myself thinking that the kids would be in another room, trendy bath, four poster bed…

No 1 being ever inquisitive wondered, “Why do we care if there are pictures?”

As it transpired, the kids loved splashing in the trendy bath, and No 2 got scared being down the corridor from the parents room. So I spent the duration of the “mini break” dreaming what it would have been like in the four poster.

Dad’s funny?

When kids arrive you try to bring your best dad game to each match. One of the best things most parents will tell you is to see the kids laugh. It nearly makes it all worth while. And the more they laugh the less time they have to cause trouble or cry. The only issue is having a constant supply of material to divert them from thinking about having a tantrum.

I, unselfishly, took the role of chief good humour supplier after the arrival of No 1. I was also pretty good at making organic vegetable purre – we wouldnt want to harm the kid’s future prospects or have them turn out to be axe murderers.

After putting in hours of hard graft over many months with keeping No1 topped up with giggles and constant reminders that I was funny, I got the reward for my efforts, No1 proclaimed that “daddy is funny”.

I took that accolade in my stride. But pretty chuffed inside.

Surprisingly this did not seem to please The Wife. On reflection not really that surprising as the in-law side of the family is not renowned for its wit and repartee. I can’t ever remember the mother in law ever smiling in my presence.

No 1 was getting fairly good at telling everyone that “daddy’s funny”, which I counted as a substantial parenting achievement.

We were just pottering along one morning when No 1 asks The Wife

“What is funny?”

At least The Wife thought that was funny. Which it wasn’t.

Table manners

It is difficult getting any information out of the kids, whether useful or not. The Q & A session usually follows a similar pattern

Interested parent “How was school today?”

No 1 or No 2 “ok”

Exasperated parent “What did you do?”

No 1 or No 2 “Nothing special”

We generally have no idea what they have done during the day except for school lunches. It is really easy to tell what was on the menu. An inspection of the hair will give a full breakdown of the daily dishes.

We have been trying most forms of coercion to get the cutlery used. Nothing seems to succeed. Usually meal time comments are generally based along the lines of:

“why are you holding the fork in one hand but picking your food up with the other”

“Use the napkin not your trousers/shirt/chair/hair/nose to wipe your fingers now they are messy”

“If you cut the food it will fit more easily into your mouth”

“use the knife to cut the food. It usually works better than a spoon.”

“Why have you got a spoon? We are not having soup.”

How could we get the kids to hold their cutlery in their hands and use it to move food from their plate to their mouths?

Obviously the challenge was to keep the cutlery in the hands.

I was quite surprised that there was not more resistance to sticky taping their hands to the cutlery.

it looks a bit wierd, at first, but at least they can’t pick food up with their fingers.

Guests often find it odd that at the dinner table there is a roll of sticky tape next to the salt and pepper.

The down side is that we now don’t know anything that goes on at school.

i’ll Wash your mouth out with soap

Modern discipline is a bit different than in the good old days. The kids come back from school with a fridge magnet with the Childline phone number.  A constant reminder for beleaguered parents to stay on the straight and narrow – or else.

And the language of the kids is appalling. All this modern hip hoppy music. ABBA would never have dared.

After a recent lapse from No1, it was time to take action. Warnings had been given. She was testing me. Curious to see if dad would follow through.

The trouble with kids now is they try to take things to the edge and don’t understand that a threat has to be carried out. Otherwise it’s meaningless. They’ll cotton on pretty quickly. And then you’re really in trouble.

Boom. Pushed me over the edge. Enough is enough. Better to nip things in the bud nice and early.

The Wife was curious, probably puzzled. Did this happen north of the Watford Gap. I don’t think they did proper disciple in her family. New age liberals.

Got hold of No1. A bit of nervous laughter, probably thought dad won’t actually do it. He knows about Childline. Under estimated dad. Big time.

At the sink there’s a fair bit of wriggling. Actually quite difficult to keep a grip and get a lather up at the same time.

Unfortunately, posh soap doesn’t taste as bad as the soap in the olden days. When they made it natural and ethical they may have had potty mouthed children in mind.

But ever since the language has been perfect. Even with posh soap.