axel, Author at dadblog

dad’s birthdays

I have had a patchy relationship with my birthdays. When the kids were younger it was sweet as I would get homemade cards and gifts. With odd spellings of various words.

But as time has passed things have slackened off and become a bit hit and miss.

I am not one to make much of a fuss and seek attention, but one year the day came and went without any mention. a week passed and still nothing.

Then about a month later the wife mentioned, “it is your birthday quite soon, what do you fancy this year?”

Without missing a beat I replied “it was actually 1 month ago. but if you are planning a present for next year I would fancy a new drill.”

The wife then started to blame me for not reminding her and letting it pass without mentioning it! Obviously I don’t remind her about it as I would get into even more trouble.

This year the kids made me a special cake. They have been learning to cook and decided to surprise me (I think they call it food tech now-a-days).

It was lovely and actually tasted really good. a chocolate and cream roulade.

Fortunately, they got the age a bit wrong and took at least ten years off my age.

I could almost be a millennial.

this year there was a special message. all modern and by video.

a presentation to introduce the company’s 30 year strategy…

video link: company strategy session – the 3rd leg

I thought I would run it past the kids to get their feedback.

all they said was,

“is this what you do at work?”

“do you actually get paid to do this?”

they didn’t quite see the genius behind it all…

the eyes and noses in Parliament

We had overcome our initial Brexit worries about having to move up North.

We have been following the Brexit goings on in Parliament, number 2 is quite keen on following the events and last night even watched the live vote in Parliament for Theresa May’s Deal with Europe. Unfortunately for Theresa it didn’t go that well, but the final announcement was pure Parliamentary theatre.

www.bbc.co.uk/brexit-vote

number 2 was a little confused at the announcement.

“why are the faces involved?” she asked curiously

“what do you mean by the faces?” I was confused.

“why are there noses, and why are they only counting the noses on the left?”

I was even more confused now.

“and why are there eyes?

Are they counting each one or pairs?

And why only on the right?”

she was looking more confused than me.

She showed me the video clip again.

“ahhh” I exclaimed.

An obvious point of confusion, Mr Speaker.

Use soap when washing…?

The kids are getting bit older now and we are starting to try to get them to be a bit more autonomous. I think in millennial / gen z language it is now termed as being “resilient”.

Bath time with the kids used to be so much fun. All the kids in the bath tub splashing about for hours on end.

But sadly that era is drawing to an end.

The kids now are given the responsibility to wash themselves. They have been left unsupervised for a few months now. begrudgingly they even have a shower. Which was a struggle to convince them that this was not such a horrible experience. And it had the added benefit of reducing our water bill.

Everything was going well. The kids would be told to go and have a shower and they would merrily run off to the bathroom. This had been going on for several months.

“number 2 it’s your time for a shower. I think you need to wash your hair this time.” I suggested one evening.

“ok” was the reply from number 2.

“use the shampoo for your hair and not the soap” I thought it was best to clarify the difference.

“That’s ok as I don’t use the soap” number 2 affirmed

“errr. Do you mean you never use soap or just not for your hair?” I was starting to get that worried feeling again

“no. never use the soap in the shower” number 2 looked at me as though I was stupid

“hhhmm, so when you wash in the shower do you use any soap? I was just trying to clarify my misunderstanding

“oh. Did you want me to wash with soap?”

“yes. The soap helps clean you. Not just the water.” I was beginning to see my error. “so all this time you haven’t been using soap?”

“well you didn’t say I should use soap.” Number 2 looked hurt.

“well, can you use soap. On your body.”

Millennials are great…

We currently have a 21 year old niece staying with us. Claire. A millennial if you ever saw one.

She needed to sort out her mobile phone and get a new SIM card.

As she is a bit stuck without mobile data when she is out-and-about. Just having wifi is not quite enough.

So off she went into town to her network provider’s shop. A 20 minute walk into the town centre. Simples.

And 45 minutes later she is back. “the shop is closed”, she says.

“oh. That’s strange, as it is only 2 o’clock?” was my remark.

Without another word she then darted off up stairs to watch more Netflix or do more Snapchattin’.

The next day she said she was going back into town to the shop to get her SIM card.

Hopefully this time it would be open. She left in the middle of the afternoon to avoid any lunch time closure. Canny.

Again, 45 minutes later she is back.

I asked, hopefully, “any luck?”

“no, the shop was closed”

I tried to give some advice, “did you try a newsagent? Or a competitor? Or anywhere else?

“errr, no.” came the reply.

“did you try the other shop they have in town?” I though was an obvious question. “they must have at least one other shop in the town centre”.

It is a gigantic company and while I have never looked for one of their shops, there are usually several in each town (I’m with a competitor).

“oh, I didn’t have the internet on my phone so I couldn’t look”. Was the confident reply.

My inquisitiveness was now piqued. “but it’s strange the shop is closed at this time. It’s way past lunch time.”

“Even though I don’t ever recall a shop on the high street ever closing at lunch” – I said that to myself.

But back at home we do have wifi.

And in a stroke of inspired genius Claire sprang to life and searched the other shop’s address on her phone.

Bingo!

“there is another shop in the new shopping centre in town!” Claire stated triumphantly.

“it is quite close to the other one” Claire said knowingly

“thank goodness for wifi” – I said to myself. again.

A couple of days later I was in town and happened to go past the phone shop that was “closed”. It really was closed. Closed down.

So now I am wondering. Claire not only went a first time. But also a second time.

Perhaps just to confirm things?

or maybe she likes walking into town? And coming straight back?

Millennials. They’re our future.

a walk in the forest – in a wetsuit

There is a supposedly true riddle that goes something like this:

“how did a man in scuba diving kit get found lying unburnt in the middle of the scorched remains of a forest fire?”

You wonder how this could happen?

Well something like that surely couldn’t happen to anyone in our family, surely…

On a recent holiday, with the brother-in-law, Andy, and his family. we were in a lovely cottage near the sea. A short 10 minute walk out of the back of the house down a country path and voila.

As the sea was at times a bit chilly we all had wetsuits, just to make it a bit more bearable.

On this afternoon we were all eager to get to the sea as “the surf was up”. Tom, the nephew, was very keen to get to the beach and this time had got changed in double quick time.

Tom is a bit impetuous, and ran straight out the back door without waiting for the rest of us. Luckily The wife was alert and followed him. She shout to us to bring all things with us and join them at the beach. And off they went.

We slowly got ready and gathered all the kit together. Which is a fair amount of stuff for 8 people to be at the beach all afternoon.

Left the house, went down the back gate, into the edge of the forest that leads to the beach. A short way into the forest we turned left at the junction of the path and in a couple of minutes were at the beach.

We couldn’t initially find Tom or The Wife but assumed they must be in the waves. So we plonked our stuff down in the “usual” place and got on with beach stuff.

After 20 minutes or so we started to wonder where the two had got to. We had scoured the beach but couldn’t see them anywhere.

Through out the afternoon we still didn’t catch sight of them and started to get a bit worried. We asked the life guards if they had rescued anyone or heard of anyone being saved that afternoon – nope.

The afternoon was drawing to a close, and with still no sign of the dynamic duo we decided to wander home just in case they had gone home without finding us at the beach.

We got home but there was no one about. And they had been gone for a couple hours.

Finally, after 3 hours they came trudging through the garden. Tom was looking fairly rough, and still in his wetsuit. The wife just looked glad to be back.

“What happen?” we asked

“ugh” the wife grunted

“I need a drink, of water”.

After The wife was suitably refreshed she explained where they had been.

“Tom just ran off down the path, you know how he is”

We all nodded in agreement.

The Wife explained that she hadn’t really taken any notice of the route to the beach and just usually followed everyone else. And this time just followed Tom as he looked like he knew the route.

Except this time it seemed to be taking a lot longer to get to the beach.

“Tom wouldn’t stop running ahead”

“and we didn’t have any water”

“and he wouldn’t undo his wetsuit. He was clearly getting very hot”

“after a while he just fell over”

“he just passed out. I think with the heat and exhaustion.”

“it was a nightmare. We didn’t have any water, and were completely lost in the middle of the forest”.

“he manged to walk after a while, but we carried on going in the same direction as we should have finally come to the sea at some point.”

“After ages we stopped again as Tom was very tired and finally agreed to open his wetsuit”. “we were sitting down when some people walked by.

The Wife asked them the way to the beach “and they just looked at me in a weird way”.

I did mention that they were in the middle of a forest in wetsuits. This didn’t seem to help.

The people did give them some water, and said that the path led to a town that The Wife did not recognise. Cunningly they suggested that perhaps they should go back the way they came…

The Wife duly retraced their steps. And 3 hours later emerged from the forest into the back garden.

Tom had taken the right fork in the path and not the left.

Who knows what those walkers must have thought on seeing the two of them in wetsuits 5 km from the beach looking extremely dishevelled.

Summer company day out

Often in the summer companies look for ways to enhance moral and team spirit.

Bizarrely, corporate leaders think people who don’t really want to spend time together in an office on a regular basis, will much prefer to spend time together in a forced activity that no-one wants to do, which tends to not only happen in office hours but also spills over into what would be their free time. strange this doesn’t usually send moral sky high…

Everyone does it but no-one really likes it.

It was decided that our department should go for a day on the river, punting.

excellent planning made sure it was a lovely sunny day, almost the hottest day since records began.

We had the usual team bonding presentations in a stuffy room with inadequate natural light and then headed to the water having been suitably motivated by the offer of free drinks and a picnic. But mainly the free drink.

It was going so well, we had the punts, most of us were on board…

At least the beer was safe!

and for a short while moral went through the roof. for almost everyone.

You know when you have got old – Summer weekend achievements

In life pre-kids when summer came around one of the best things was getting a few mates round for a lazy Sunday afternoon in the garden, cranking up the BBQ, having a few cold drinks on hand and watching the (world cup) football.

Time has moved on and with the current heat wave the best I can muster for a key achievement for a lovely summers weekend is to get a couple of loads of bed sheets washed and dried in the garden in double quick time.

I didn’t even get near to watching the world cup or get a cold drink.

I didn’t ask my mates if they wanted to come around and help hang the washing…

camping in the great outdoors

Everyone has done a bit of camping. it’s good to get out in the fresh air, the great outdoors and into the wilderness. We love the idea of camping, we’ve got a tent, sleeping bags, roll up mattresses – the lot.

Unfortunately we haven’t quite managed to actually get to a camp site. we haven’t even managed to think about where we could go.

I must admit that I have come to appreciate a nice soft bed. without the need to get dressed in the morning to get breakfast. or flog to some horrible concrete shed in the middle of the night for a tinkle.

But the idea is fun, and the kids think it will be an adventure.

The Wife tells us she has even been a girl guide. and is well up for it.

We thought that the best thing to do would be to try out all the kit and arrangements in a safe environment. the back garden seemed like the perfect place.

We waited for a sunny forecast, and when the day came we set about erecting the tent, inflating the mattresses and sorting out the sleeping bags, pillows and duvets. Then more pillows.

The Wife gave the sleeping arrangements a quick try out, leap up and declared that she needed a slightly thicker mattress. Fair enough, it was only a thin slither of foam. She pottered off in to the house. After a bit we got a call for help. The wife was struggling to bring out the “guest” mattress from the spare room. A full blown bed mattress.

We lugged it into the tent, it just about fit in, but it made the flooring levels all uneven. Our roll mats looked very inadequate in comparison.

I don’t recall the Scouts having pillows, duvets and extra think mattresses, but perhaps it is different in the Guides down south.

The kids were loving it. all hyper and bouncing off the (tent) walls.

To completely get into the camping mood we even had sausages in buns. The kids were even allowed tomato ketchup. For dessert we had Marshmallows on sticks. Nothing healthy within a post code. Proper camping.

As the evening set in, we started to get settled and ready to appreciate the wonders of sleeping in the fresh air. We all took our positions in our respective places.

After lying on our mattresses for a few minutes, The Wife realised that the sleeping conditions were not to her liking. The mattress was not quite right, there is too much noise from the insects outside, it was not dark enough…

She declared that she was going back in to the house, got up and ran into the house to her comfy bed.

This didn’t seem to perturb the rest of us and to keep everyone occupied I suggested we play i-spy.

Number 2 started, as tradition dictates the youngest always starts.

“I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…”

Number 2 needed a bit of time to come up with something.

“T”

Number 1 was quick off the mark – “TENT!” she exclaimed.

We all took turns.

It came around to number 2 again.

“I spy with my little eye something beginning with… T”

Sensing number 1 might know the answer I quickly threw in – “Table”

Number 2 was a bit upset that I had not got it right.

Number 1 then corrected me a suggested – TENT.

Number 2 was pleased that someone had guessed correctly.

We carried on going around.

But after a while it is a bit tough to find things in a small confined space to use.

Undaunted, number 2 was determined to see if we would get her favourite T word wrong.

Number 1 was getting annoyed with the lack of imagination.

I was struggling to think of T words. Turtle, Tornado, Tyrannosaurus Rex …

Number 2 was annoyed with me as these could not possibly be in a tent.

We were obviously enjoying ourselves too much as after a while there was a shout from the window for us to make less noise. We were obviously disturbing The Wife with our game of i-spy.

As there was now plenty of room to spread out with only 3 of us, we had a lovely nights sleep. I think we all had a good nights sleep.

I think we’ll do it again, but perhaps with out the full bed mattress next time.