a dad's record for posterity of all the things that I should remember and said I would note down, but never got to do it
Christmas is coming. And after last years rather minimalist approach we were unsure what to expect.
The festive tea towels aren’t out just yet, but…
We almost didn’t notice. I suppose there is the old adage of “less is more”.
The Wife has really taken it to heart this year.
The end of the year is coming upon us and we started the Christmas present discussion, “so have you been good this year and what have you done that might put you on Santa’s good list?”. a sort of merit based annual appraisal for the kids.
In past years this has been things like; i learnt how to ride my bicycle, I can tie my shoe laces, I only got one “serious concerns” in my school report and so on. We set the bar a bit low, trying to build the kids self-esteem and re-enforce the snowflaky-ness of their generation.
As usual we were having this discussion around the dinner table, and the question prompted a moment of silence. Hopefully it was a pause for reflection and thought.
Then, number 1 stated rather proudly, “well last year I learnt how to blow my nose”
“Oh my god, you were sooo embarrassing and pathetic before”, number 2 chipped in. “It wasn’t even worth it. It was ridiculous”
Number 1 didn’t disagree, nor did we.
Undeterred, number 1 continued, “well, this year I learnt to eat with a big spoon”
It is true that the kids have a habit of using a small tea spoon to eat their cereals or soup. Perhaps it was a habit from their toddler days that they just kept going.
But as a major achievement I am not sure “using a big spoon” ranks in the top 5.
The Wife and I do share some hobbies and passions. one of them is up-cycling stuff we find on our wanders. most of our garden structures are made from up-cycled bits and pieces that people have discarded.
one afternoon the Wife came back after a journey and said in a rather sheepish voice,
“I’ve found something unusual in the street”
I’m not sure if this was her intention, but for the Wife to say something is unusual got me wondering what this could be. Not necessarily wondering in a good way. More with a large dose of trepidation.
Images of wounded animals, a dog or a deer, ran through my mind. perhaps another surf board. perhaps some iron gates that we didn’t need.
I have learnt to cope with these situations, by blocking out all thoughts and breathing very deeply. plus i had the rain pipe to repair to take my mind of things.
Later that day I was going to take a bit of a rest in the hammock when I was confronted with a new addition in the garden.
I wasn’t quite expecting to have an afternoon nap with the Virgin Mary watching over me. with what appeared to be a slight disapproving look.
The Wife said it was just in the street. So she took it so that it wouldn’t get damaged. And it would only be temporary until we found its owner…
But who misplaces the a metre tall Virgin Mary? and why was it the Wife who found it?
during this period of lock down, the Wife and I have had plenty of time to try to bring the kids up to speed with “culture”.
It is something of an attempt to show the kids that there is something beyond TikTok clips and youtube unboxing videos.
we tried some high culture, https://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/shows/nt-at-home-frankenstein
but that didn’t last long as it was too scary.
after a couple of “old” films that the kids managed to sit through, number 2 commented
“old films are all blurry”
true that they are not 4k HD quality.
“mum, did you have blurry vision in the old days?” number 2 asked.
The global spread of Corona Virus made it clear that it would reach us and that we would have to follow the trend of our European neighbours of going into Lock-down.
To get a head start and to see what would be like, the Wife had a great idea – let’s do a dry run. You know, sort out how it might work, who does what, where and when. best to plan ahead and sort out the process…
To make it simple we thought we should try it on a Sunday afternoon. Nice and relaxed.
The kids thought it might be fun. I was philosophical. The Wife thought it was preparation for the Normandy landings.
We all gathered in the living area and set about our usual Sunday afternoon routine. the 2 kids were TikTokin’ in their corner, I was sorting out my drill bits, the Wife was catching up on her Instagram/facebook stuff.
After about 30 minutes of this the kids decided being in the same space as the adults was “boring”. and left to continue their attempt to create a viral dance video and rule the world through odd screen filters locked in their bedrooms…
The Wife decided that I had spent enough time sorting out my tools on my own and started to “help” me organise them.
My lack of enthusiasm for the Wife’s suggestions that i order the drill bits by colour rather than material type didn’t seem to be appreciated. And I was making too much noise rummaging around and banging things together. She decided that it was better that she went into the front room to have some quiet so that she could concentrate on her social media profile.
The lock-down dry run lasted 37 minutes.
3 weeks BC (Before Coronavirus) we managed to get away with some old friends from way back. Our annual winter half-term get away to the mountains. One of the fathers, Alan, is a bit of an engineer and likes to be very precise. He gets on very well with the Wife. They both like making xls lists and tables. Generally to calculate the holiday expenses, usually comparing formulas and discussing the variables according to age of the children, calorie consumption and so on . They seem to find it enthralling.
We got to the mountain cabin, where we could finally check out the layout in real life. The 3 couples had a bedroom each and usually the rooms are taken on a first come basis. If you drive slowly you get the room that is left.
Unfortunately this time we all arrived at the same time! we are now all too old to make a mad dash up the stairs to get to the rooms first. So we had to come to a civilized way to select the rooms. The very large bedroom with the huge en-suite with bath was everyone’s favourite.
We decided that a lucky dip was the fairest way to select the rooms.
Alan, took it upon himself to prepare the bits of paper.
He was very precise and exact with the indication of each room. Just so there was no confusion over which room was which.
we didn’t get that huge en-suite.
the kid’s school is trying to be very modern. moving with the times and all that. the dinner money is no longer payment by cheque but it has moved to on-line payments and finger print recognition.
we even have an App where we get updates on the kid’s timetable. And their commendations and punishments. previously we would only receive a letter a few weeks after the kids had served their detention. or if the kids got a commendation for some good work they might show us the paper certificate. if they hadn’t lost it, or remembered, or could be bothered.
but now we have the App we get instant updates on all the misdemeanors and rewards.
sometimes the information is so sparse that we have no idea what really happened. some of the time we don’t really want to know.
but we are intrigued to know what the polar bears did with their electricity…
*C3 = punishment: detention
†R3= Reward: house points
One of the kid’s favourite games in the garden is Sharks & Fishes. We spend hours trying to outwit each other in this battle of cunning and daring.
The idea of the game is for one person to be the “shark”, who has to prevent the others, the “fish”, from getting from one end of the garden to the other. When the “fish” are caught they then turn into carnivorous seaweed who help to catch the remaining “fish”. The seaweed has to remain where it was caught, wave its arms about but not change location. Once all the “fish” are caught, the next game can start. To make things even harder the “shark” can use any technique to lure the “fish” out so they can be caught while moving from one end to the other. This is where cunning can be deployed.
Everyone who comes to visit is roped into this game. Obviously those that move a bit slower than the kids are their favourite participants.
After many years of this game, number 2 had obviously spent some time thinking very deeply about it.
“I don’t think Uncle Arix was in the Army” number 2 stated one lunchtime.
Uncle Arix has always been a bit vague about his past military career. But the kids like the fact that he can hold his breath for a very long time and is good at tracking wild animals. And he likes sharpening knives.
“why do you think that?” we wondered
“well, he is rubbish at Sharks & Fishes” number 2 asserted confidently.
“He can never catch us. And he thinks that by hiding behind the shed we don’t know where he is”
“also, he always pretends he is looking the wrong way. But we know he is secretly trying to look out of the corner of his eye”
“perhaps you are just really good at the game?” I tried to cover for uncle Arix
“Yes I am good, but he is still not very good at hiding. He couldn’t have been in the Army.” number 2 was sure.
“maybe they didn’t train for Sharks & Fishes in the Army?” I was still batting for Uncle Arix
“he should still be better at hiding.”
“and his secret looking needs much more training”
“I wouldn’t have him in my Army!”
The kids were spending a bit of time with the grandparents. A chance for them to be spoilt with all the capricious demands and unusual meal requests. They had probably forgotten what an angel I was as a child and needed reminding just how wonderful small children are.
This time the Grandparents thought it wold be a good idea to take the kids on a day trip to London. Now they are a bit older and can walk unaided and for more than a few minutes with out asking for an ice cream.
Obviously going into London they have to take public transport, which is a bit of an adventure in itself.
We think they had a great time in London. The Science museum, fast food, a bit of treat shopping, what more could the kids want.
Strangely, when they came back things were a bit quiet and the Grandparents were looking a bit sheepish.
“so, how was the day?” I asked inquisitively.
“oh fine.” was the initial response from Gran. Grandpa had made a rapid disappearance and was nowhere to be seen.
“well, we might have had a little incident on the way back” Gran was sounding nervous.
“oh. what happened?” I had noted that everyone was back so nothing too serious could have happened. Surely. Although there was that time when they had to get the life guards at the beach one time they were looking after the kids one summer (that’s another story)…
“well, everything is fine now. and number #2 only has a few scratches”
“and it was really the Underground’s fault” Gran was starting to shift the blame.
“hmm. So what exactly happened?” I was curious.
“the platform was really badly designed”. And very dangerous.” Gran was getting a head of steam up.
“and what did number2 do…” I was trying to prompt Gran
“it happened so quickly, it was difficult to tell how it happened. It really was a very dangerous design”
Piecing together the bits and pieces from all present it appears that everyone was waiting at the platform. the tube train doors opened and as everyone got on the tube number2 managed to fall between the platform and the train. And got stuck.
Evidently there was a fair amount of panic while everyone tried to pull number 2 from the tracks before the tube started off again. But she was very stuck. Eventually the underground staff and emergency services managed to extract number 2.
So if you are ever on the underground and hear one of those messages over the tannoy about a delay due to a passenger incident. It might be an unfortunate child who didn’t notice all of the warnings.
it is that time of year again, bad Christmas songs on the radio let us know it is time to get the house all decorated and sparkly.
I must admit that putting up the Christmas decorations is not my strong suit. The Wife usually ropes the kids into fully decking out the home.
I was off for the day ferrying the kids about for their various activities, and the Wife said she would do it while I was out. Fair enough.
We all got back at the end of the afternoon and found the house a bit deserted. And not looking very decorated.
We were a bit bemused.
Until The Wife told us we were not looking in the right place.
And the irony is that we are not allowed to use them, or it will spoil the look.